A Day in the Life
by Kookaburra
Summary: This is an anthology of one-shot, stand alone short stories that describe the Autobots and Decepticons getting used to life on earth, and their human companions getting used to living with giant alien robots.
1. Hide and Seek

**Chapter Title:** 'Hide and Seek  
**Characters:** Will Lennox and Ironhide  
**Chapter rating:** PG for filthy language  
**Chapter summary:** Will learns that the Autobots aren't as serious as they make themselves out to be.

Captain Will Lennox cursed softly under his breath. While a large truck that drove itself and required no gasoline certainly had its benefits, there were also drawbacks. Such as said truck insisting that it be washed and waxed once a week minimum, and driving off on assignments of his own, leaving Will and his wife, Sarah, to share the Civic. This had given Sarah the opportunity to have a good long laugh at Will when he stood next to the car for a full minute, waiting for the door to open on its own.

And then there was the largest drawback: the truck itself would tease him mercilessly when he got lost in a megastore parking lot and couldn't remember where they'd parked. It was bad enough in his pre giant-robots-from-space days when he would finally find his vehicle and only berate himself, but now he had an alien with little patience for faulty human memory and a _very_ dry sense of humor waiting for him. What was worse, Will just _knew_ that Ironhide was watching him from somewhere in the lot, probably laughing about it with the other Autobots. Ironhide would often play the Autobots' communications chatter on his radio when Will was in the car, and Will had often been privy to their frustration and amusement at their human host's antics.

Just when Will was ready to call Ironhide with his cell phone, a familiar chirp rang out behind him. Will turned, and spied the large black bulk of the GMC Topkick two aisles over, the lights blinking in a perfect imitation of a vehicle locator. _How on earth could I have missed him?_ Will wondered. _I know I went down the aisle with the big cart corral._ Mentally shrugging and outwardly groaning with effort, Will maneuvered the hand truck full of compost bags between the cars in the aisle and over to where Ironhide was waiting. Will was reminded of one of the benefits of knowing a sapient pick-up when the tail gate flipped down of its own accord, and the truck sank slightly on its rear axles, bringing the bed down lower to make it easier to load up the fifty pound bags of dirt Sarah had sent them out for. Wordlessly completing his task, Will wheeled the cart into the nearby corral and returned to Ironhide.

The driver's side door popped ajar as he approached, and Will opened it the rest of the way and swung himself inside. As the door closed again, the engine started and simultaneously the Topkick backed smoothly out of the tight parking space, executed a neat three point turn which missed a double-parked Expedition by a hairsbreadth, and drove off smoothly through the parking lot.

"Not. One. Word." Will growled through clenched teeth.

"I was not saying anything." The deep, cultured voice reverberated through the cab, amusement evident in the tone. "But really, Will. How many times are you going to lose me in that lot before we stop going to Costco?"

"We are not going to stop going to Costco, 'Hide." Will sighed. "I know you don't like parking here, but it's the only place nearby that sells landscaping products in any quantity at a decent price. Unless you'd prefer making a trip into the city to visit Lowe's or Wal-Mart."

An almost imperceptible shudder ran through Ironhide's chassis. "I'll pass." He growled. Will suppressed a chuckle. All of the Autobots had varying degrees of dislike for crowded parking lots. Bumblebee had explained it to him once, it was something about how close all of the cars were to one another and the unpredictable humans wandering everywhere that made the Autobots feel claustrophobic. A little boy had once run out behind Ironhide when they were pulling out from a parking space, and even though 'Hide had immediately stopped and was nowhere near hitting the tyke; it had taken Will a full three minutes to convince the truck to move again. He felt a pang of conscience at how unsympathetic he was being. The 'bots were doing their best to fit in to human society, and they were largely so successful at it that it was easy to forget how confusing and illogical it must seem to them.

"Don't worry, Big Guy." Reaching out, Will gave the dashboard a reassuring pat. "Only one more stop to go and then home." A rumble from the engine was the only response; the sound was one that Will had come to equate with the equivalent of an approving grunt.

Ironhide approached the exit of the parking lot, and slowed down a bit. "Where are we going next?" He asked, hanging back a bit before committing to a turn lane.

Will glanced at the shopping list in his pocket. "The Von's shopping center on Paseo." There was a harsher grinding sound from the engine – this was definitely a robot snort of disgust. "Look, I know you _really_ don't like that parking lot, but they're the only supermarket in town that carries the brand of tuna Sarah likes."

"Why can't we park across the street? That lot is ridiculous. The last time we were there some adolescent humans initiated first-stage _mating_ rituals against my fender!" Ironhide growled.

"'Hide, that 'street' is three busy lanes! I'd never get a cart across it and back, especially with the new wheel locking strips they've put down in the parking lot! What if we park in a back corner by the delivery entrance? Would that be alright?"

"Fine."

They drove in silence for a few minutes, with Will either gazing out the window or straightening up and pretending to drive depending on whether or not the drivers of the vehicles next to him seemed likely to notice that his truck was steering without his intervention. Suddenly the radio crackled to life, signaling one of the other Autobots contacting Ironhide.

"Optimus Prime, southbound on Interstate 5, going through Ashland, Oregon." The deep tones of the Autobot leader were over laced with the static tones of the Cybertronian language. Will had noticed that the Autobots went through a sort of roll-call before initiating general conversation over their radios. It had always struck him as odd that such a seemingly-formal process preceded what was usually just a casual chat, while more important and urgent messages were relayed without any observable preamble.

"Ratchet, Joshua Tree Marine Corps Base."

"Ironhide, eastbound on Via Real, Oak Hills, with Captain Lennox."

"Bumblebee, south bank of Tranquility Reservoir. Miles and Sam are swimming."

"Optimus, was the meeting with the Canadian Prime Minister satisfactory?" Ratchet asked.

"I enjoyed conversing with him, but I came away with the impression that he does not really believe that the Decepticons are a real threat to his nation." Will couldn't pinpoint the reason, but to his ears Optimus' voice sounded tired. "However, he did say that when other Autobots arrive, they are welcome to land in some of the sparsely populated areas in the north of Canada, and that the Canadian government will be happy to provide any assistance they may need. He will be initiating a survey of ideal landing locations and his people should have a report to Secretary Keller within the month. I will give a full briefing when I return to the base." Optimus clearly was not ready to talk about his latest diplomatic excursion.

"How's the shopping trip going, 'Hide?" Bumblebee's tone held nothing but guileless concern, and Will had long ago learned that that usually meant he was going to try and needle Ironhide into an incoherent rage. He sighed, and rested his head in his hands.

"We'd be done by now if Will could ever remember where I'm parked." Ironhide growled.

"_Again_, Will?" Bumblebee asked incredulously.

"Hey!" Will protested. "You've only had to honk at me once today. I found you fine at Blockbuster."

"The Oak Hills Blockbuster only has thirty spaces, Will." Bumblebee chuckled. "If you couldn't find Ironhide's big bumper there, I'd be concerned."

"Still," Ratchet interrupted. "Your continuing problems with corrupted memory files regarding Ironhide's location are troubling. Are you sure you don't need maintenance?"

"Ratchet, I'm _fine_." Will insisted. "Humans don't have memory files like you. We have to, well, remember to remember. And when I'm not parking myself, I tend to forget to make a mental note of where 'Hide is. That's all. I just need to get back in the habit."

Clearly dubious, Ratchet responded with, "If you are sure Will. You humans use so many unshielded magnets that I wouldn't be surprised if they were affecting your memory."

"Humans don't operate that way, Ratchet!" Bumblebee exclaimed. "They are perfectly capable of taking care of themselves, for the most part. We don't need a repeat of last week's incident with Mikaela."

"We don't need to be bringing it up again, either Bumblebee." Optimus Prime said, a hint of a warning in his voice. Ironhide made a snickering sound (Will figured he must have picked it up from the humans somewhere along the line), and a short _chirr_ of amusement from Bumblebee joined it on the speakers. Obviously there was a story there; he would have to see if he could pry it out of 'Hide later.

The Autobots were still chatting when Ironhide entered the strip mall parking lot that housed the Oak Hills Von's, and showed no sign of stopping as Will climbed out of Ironhide and made his way across the parking lot. _Honestly_, he thought, _for all that 'ancient and noble race' front the 'bots try and put up, I've never seen a worse bunch of gossips in my life!_

Will fished for the list Sarah had given him in his pockets. It wasn't there. _Dammit, I'm never going to hear the end of it from 'Hide._ Will thought as he turned to go back and look for the list in the Topkick. He had only gone half a dozen steps before he stopped cold, looking back to where he had left Ironhide.

The space was empty.

For a few seconds, Will simply stood still, staring at the empty spot as if his mind couldn't accept that the extremely large pickup had just vanished. Then he caught a movement out of the corner of his eye. A very distinctive black tailgate was disappearing around the rear end of one of the large delivery semi trucks parked in the back lot.

"YOU SON OF A BITCH!" Will screamed, earning a shocked gasp from a matronly woman loading her groceries nearby. Will took no notice. Sprinting across the parking lot, shouting obscenities the whole way, he followed the truck, dodging other shoppers, carts, and cars as he wound his way around the back lot in hot pursuit of the Topkick.

Rounding a corner, he spied the absentee Autobot just rolling into a vacant spot on the edge of the lot, practically the opposite corner from his original position. Will ran up to Ironhide's side, and jerked the door open, prompting a surprised shout from the truck, and causing the other Autobots to fall silent. "You- you- you _bastard!_" Will hissed at Ironhide through clenched teeth. "I haven't been forgetting where you parked at all! You've been moving!" Will supposed that the reaction he had been hoping for was chagrin and repentance on the part of Ironhide. Instead, after a beat, all four Autobots erupted in hilarity.

"Oh, Primus, 'Hide – you've been _moving?_" exclaimed Bumblebee.

"It took him longer than I thought it would to figure it out," admitted Ironhide.

"Jazz would have been proud," added Ratchet. "This is better than when we convinced Glen that Robert Wise knew our language and that 'Klaatu Barada Nikto' really is the universal greeting."

Will was taken aback when he realized that even Optimus was chuckling. "Optimus!" he fumed, "Aren't you supposed to keep these buckets of bolts in line?! Do something!"

"Alright, Will." Optimus answered, amusement still making his voice buzz and dissolve into static intermittently. "Autobots, no more baiting the humans..." Will made a satisfied sound. "…until I get back to the base and can watch the fun in person."


	2. Duck, Duck, Goose

**Chapter Title:** Duck, Duck, Goose  
**Characters:** Skywarp, Starscream, Thundercracker  
**Chapter rating:** PG for potty humor  
**Chapter summary:** Skywarp learns a valuable lesson about organics...just a little too late. Takes place shortly after the events of _Revenge of the Fallen_.

**Author's Note:** Due to 's continued fuckery with formatting, I won't be uploading any new stories here. (I will be updating stories that have already been posted.) You can find all of my stories at Archive of Our Own (/users/Kookaburra). Thank you to everyone who reviewed the first chapter, I hope this one is amusing as well. :)

* * *

"Slaggit, 'Warp, watch it!"

Thundercracker's warning growl crackled across the comm as Skywarp dove down once again through his and Starscream's formation, forcing the other two jets to scramble in order to avoid a collision.

Skywarp's laughter was his only response. The other seeker was having too much fun! Even though these silly Earth forms that Starscream had insisted they scan were clumsy compared to their normal Cybertronian modes, they were still capable of a satisfactory amount of aerial feats. It had been so long since Skywarp had flown on a world with such a thick atmosphere, and the sensation of air rushing over his wings and ailerons was amazingly satisfying.

He dove again through the cloud cover, breaking through the bottom. Tall spiky, dark green trees stretched out below him, unbroken by human settlement. Starscream had chosen the boreal forest of the Siberian Plateau for their landing site, due to its sparse human population. Pity, Skywarp could have done with some fun. He was still a bit put off about Starscream's insistence that they all have matching gray paintjobs. Skywarp missed his beautiful purple and black markings, but Starscream said that without them, these "humans" wouldn't be able to tell them from their own machines.

_Humans must be really stupid,_ thought Skywarp as he surged back up through the clouds, homing in on his trine-mates' energy signals. _Imagine not being able to pick out our EM frequencies from their own dumb vehicles._

As Skywarp broke through the clouds to take his place in the trine's formation, he executed a neat roll for the sheer joy of it. Both he and Thundercracker had felt out of balance while separated from Starscream, and even though they were now on this odd little ball of rock and dirt for the indefinite future, things were much more satisfactory than they had been for a long time. And if they handled things correctly, the Decepticons could have victory over the Autobots under Starscream's command. That would be certain to cement their trine at the top of the Decepticon hierarchy.

"Settle down, Skywarp," Starscream admonished him as he slid back into place. "You should familiarize yourself with your new alt mode before trying more acrobatics."

"Aw, Starscream," said Skywarp petulantly. "We've been space-locked for iages/i, why can't we stretch our new wings? You said yourself that there are no humans around to see us."

There was a frustrated noise from Starscream. "All right, Skywarp. We'll fly towards the magnetic pole for a few more kliks, and then we'll work on some more...challenging maneuvers."

Skywarp couldn't keep a small trill of excitement from his vocalizer. He could feel amusement from the other two filtering down their trine-bond. He decided to ignore it. Besides, the photons that this system's yellow star gave off felt warm and soothing on his wings. He hoped they stayed here for a bit after defeating the Autobots and the pathetic groundcrawlers that inhabited this planet. Skywarp's spark had been taken from the Allspark shortly before the war had broken out, so his only memories of their people's true home was of a war-scarred, barren world, wandering without a star of its own. This one, as dirty and slimy as it was, was much more colorful and interesting to him.

After a few breems of uneventful flying, Starscream sent a playful ping to their comms. He peeled off from their formation with a graceful banking turn, clearly inviting them to follow. Thundercracker mimicked Starscream's maneuver perfectly, then Skywarp fell in behind, but he couldn't resist an extra swoop before taking up his place in the rear.

"Skywarp- you're supposed to be copying me exactly. If you can't, how am I supposed to know when you've mastered flying in your new form?" Starscream said.

"Well, maybe if you had flying that was actually _worth_ copying..." Skywarp retorted.

"Oh, _really_?" Suddenly Starscream rolled sideways, ending up upside down. Thundercracker and Skywarp followed again. Before Skywarp could tease Starscream again about these simple maneuvers, Starscream's turbines shrieked and he sped off across the sky.

The trio of jets danced across the sky with Starscream in the lead, zipping around and over clouds, looping, twisting, and turning to their spark's delight. Skywarp found all of his processor consumed with trying to follow Starscream. His trine-leader's aerial acrobatics were less showy and dramatic than what he liked to do, but the tight and precise figures Starscream traced out stretched Skywarp's skills to the limit.

Finally, Starscream pulled almost straight up, with Thundercracker right on his tail. Skywarp had been preparing for Starscream to do another inverted switchback, and was taken by surprise. He shot beneath the other two members of his trine, overcorrected, and found himself tumbling through the sky. He managed to right himself with a minimum of fuss, and flew back to where Starscream and Thundercracker were now cruising at a high altitude, as if nothing had happened. Once again, the echoes of their amusement at him filtered through the bond. Skywarp didn't bother blocking his annoyance at it this time.

"You need to stop anticipating, Skywarp," Thundercracker said mildly when Skywarp came back into formation. "That's how the obnoxious red loudmouth singed your tail flap on Charr."

"It's true, Skywarp." Skywarp became even more annoyed at the patronizing tone his trinemates used when imparting wisdom to their youngest team member. "The creatures that inhabit this planet are annoyingly unpredictable. Never assume that they will take the logical option in any encounter."

Skywarp spun his turbines in disgust, and remained silent. But he had an incorrigible personality and soon he was bored with their business like flying. Not even a course change to break up the monotony. He could sense transmissions between Thundercracker and Starscream, and had a sneaking suspicion they were talking about him. It was time to mix things up and make the trip more interesting.

He studied the curious markings on Thundercracker's wings. Starscream had said they were emblems of another nation's air military, across one of the oceans. The five pointed symbol was supposed to represent a star, but Skywarp didn't think it looked anything like one.

_More evidence that humans are stupid._

He surreptitiously sidled closer and closer to Thundercracker. Then when he was sure of his target, he shot forward, tapped his nosecone against the marking and darted away. Thundercracker was thrown off balance, and had to transform in mid air to avoid colliding with Starscream, who banked to the side to avoid a tangle up. Skywarp ignored the others' transmitted curses and threats, laughing to himself at the mischief he had caused. He looped around a large column of clouds, and approached from the rear as Thundercracker and Starscream were just collecting themselves.

Now he targeted Starscream. Specifically the human writing on his tail fins. He had a longer run up, but managed to come in from the side and peg Starscream's aileron hard enough to knock him aft-over-nosecone. An incoherent roar of rage erupted from his leader, but all Skywarp could do was laugh as Starscream and Thundercracker gave chase.

"Come back here, you little slagger!" Thundercracker commed.

"You can't catch me, you're obsolete hardware!" Skywarp teased, taking refuge in a cloud bank. Despite their words of anger, Skywarp could feel their pleasure in playing these sky-games with their restored trine.

"Skywarp, you've dented my tail!" Starscream called. "Come back so I can return the favor!"

Skywarp shot up from the cloud, slipping between Thundercracker and Starscream. His turbines screamed, as he shot towards the upper atmosphere. Starscream and Thundercracker were hot on his tail, so he crested the climb, and once again dropped back down towards the Earth. He led them on a dizzying chase among the clouds, enjoying using the puffy billows of condensed moisture for cover. He knew Thundercracker hated getting condensation on his armor, so of course Skywarp took every opportunity to lead them through clouds.

But eventually he realized he was being herded. Starscream had managed to get above him and was slowly forcing him to lose altitude...and where was Thundercracker? A quick check of his proximity sensors made him curse. He tried to roll sideways, but it was already too late. Thundercracker overtook him from behind and gave him a dent matching Starscream's on one of his tailfins. Skywarp could hear Thundercracker laughing as he tumbled through the air. Starscream then followed up with a low level null-ray blast to Skywarp's wing. It wasn't enough to hurt, but the whole appendage immediately went numb. Skywarp sent a curse-filled transmission to his wing-mates as he lost his fine control systems and his flight became erratic. He weaved through the air as if he was over-charged.

"Won't you ever learn when you're outclassed, Skywarp?" Starscream said smugly. Skywarp's sensors told him that his trine leader was preparing another null ray blast, one that targeted his other wing.

"Won't _you_ ever learn not to give yourself away, Starscream?" Skywarp retorted. He cut his engines and dove almost straight down through the clouds.

Once in the low lying cloud cover, Skywarp continued to dive. He would go down, skim the treetops, then warp back and take his team completely by surprise! Yes, that was what he would do it would be fantastic-

_WHUMP_

Skywarp's engines choked on something soft and _squishy_. Warning after warning flashed on his HUD, and he lost all control. He experienced a moment of panic when he felt his turbines were completely clogged with the stuff. What could it be? Some weird atmospheric phenomenon? Then there were more thumps and splats, and his sensors and radar became completely covered with the residue of whatever was striking him. Another squishy thing was pulled into a turbine, and Skywarp's dive turned into a true fall.

He plummeted through the underside of the cloud cover. He had been concentrating on surprising his team so much that he hadn't paid any attention to his altimeter. He was low...much too low! There was no time to angle up or even transform, the trees were getting bigger and bigger as he hurtled towards the earth.

But wait! There was a large lake up ahead. Skywarp pushed his hydraulics to the limits of their tolerances, willing his flaps to steer his alt mode towards the water, where he could at least ditch without hitting trees. He was going to make it, he was-

-not going to make it. A huge spiky green plant was in his flight path, between him and the water, and his angle of approach was too steep to avoid hitting it and still make the lake. His only hope was to transform and hope that his less aerodynamic form would slow his descent.

_Aw, slag, this is going to_ hurt...

* * *

"...planet is disgusting, Starscream. Let's leave the 'Bots to it." Thundercracker's voice floated into Skywarp's CPU as his reboot sequence finished. He could feel digits poking about in his internals, and cold liquid sloshing around his chassis. As more sensor reports came flooding in, he realized that his engines were still offline, and choked with organic matter.

"I told you before, Thundercracker. We have to make a show of punishing the traitors and avenging the Fallen. Or at least _Megatron_ has to. If he wins, we win. If he falls, I'll be poised to-" One of Starscream's hands yanked at something, and the slippery-slidey _organic_ feeling of something long and stringy being pulled out from his internals made Skywarp jerk and groan in disgust.

"Well, look who finally decided to join the online and functioning!" Thundercracker said. "Now you can pick this stuff out of yourself. Oh, and you're sinking, by the way. _Fantastic_ choice to crash in, a bog."

Skywarp turned his optics on. Both Starscream and Thundercracker were hovering over him, and there appeared to be lots of...white and brown fluffy things in the air and on the ground and...all over him. He sat up. Thundercracker was right, he was indeed sinking into the ground. It was disgustingly soft and mushy, just like everything else on this planet. And now his gray paint was streaked and smeared with more organic matter. It would be ages before he got it out of his internals.

Starscream reached out and grabbed another bit of organic matter with some fluff still clinging to it, and threw it away.

"I thought you said that there wasn't anything to worry about this far north, Starscream?" Skywarp spun his turbine, ejecting more greasy organic filth.

"There are no _sapient_ organics. Or at least, not many."

"What _is_ this?" Thundercracker grabbed a trailing string of gristle and pulled it out from under Skywarp's plating. Skywarp shivered as it slid out from between his gears.

"A lower lifeform. They give human machines quite a bit of trouble as well, so don't worry, Skywarp, you've got _that_ bit of the disguise down perfectly."

"His dedication is astonishing."

"It's a good thing we have our own field frequency or I wouldn't be able to tell him from the sparkless drones that serve the humans."

Skywarp opened his mouth to retort, but he was interrupted by a low, menacing hiss. Three pairs of optics turned to look at the ground.

A small brown goose, with plumage matching the feathers still stuck to Skywarp's plating, walked slowly towards them, neck raised and wings outstretched.

Skywarp scrambled backwards as the goose lowered its head and took a few running strides towards the trine. The hissing increased in volume. _How can such a little thing make such a loud noise?_

"Some Decepticon _warrior_!" laughed Starscream. "Are you afraid it's going to throw itself down your turbines?"

"If you're so _-umf-_ brave," said Skywarp, tripping and sliding in the mud as he scrambled to his pedes, "_you_ kill it. I'm getting out of here."

Starscream aimed his cannon at the hissing goose. For a long moment, neither moved, Starscream staring down the barrel, the goose, feathers puffed out and wings upraised, before it finally took another step forward and let out an audio-shorting _HONK_.

The cannon barrel lowered.

"Disgusting organic – it isn't worth the energy it would take to vaporize it." Starscream raised one pede, holding it over the goose's head. "This is for having the bad taste to live on this miserable dirt ball." The goose continued to hiss, and flapped its wings several times, refusing to back down.

"Uh, Starscream." Thundercracker tapped Starscream on the shoulder.

"_What?_"

Thundercracker pointed to the pond.

Several thousand of the horrid mud-gray creatures stared back at them. Skywarp let out a quiet noise of distress and backed up a few steps. The geese were utterly silent, swimming forward towards the intruders calmly yet inexorably.

Starscream lowered his pede, avoiding the goose and stepping back.

Skywarp couldn't take it anymore. The dead black eyes, the utter silence, the knowledge of how disgustingly greasy the innards were when they were sucked into his engines, he just _couldn't take it_.

"What do you want?" he yelled, his words echoing over the pond. "Go away! _Go away!_" With a primal war cry, he transformed his armblaster and fired a shot directly into the middle of flock.

The deafening roar of a thousand pairs of powerful wings taking to the air broke the silence of the pond, the honking of the geese taking flight almost drowned out Starscream yelling at him for wasting a blaster shot. But Skywarp didn't care – those dreadful creatures were fleeing in fear instead of staring at them, like they were _supposed_ to, and now he could get back to-

_Splat._

Starscream stopped in mid-harangue as a long smear of white appeared on his shoulder plating. All three looked up at the flock above them before immediately thinking better of it, but it was too late.

More tiny white drops rained down on them, speckling their plating in a matter of moments.

Starscream said nothing, only staring at Skywarp in silence until the last goose had cleared the sky, and the pond was deserted. _Oh, slag, this stuff is_ lime._ It's going to eat right through our paint._

"_SKYWARP!_"

The angry screech echoed across the pond and through the trees, scaring every creature into stillness. A white-fronted goose, too heavy with eggs to fly, watched from reeds at the pond's edge as the three intruders stomped off through the mud.

"…Why are we fighting over this planet again, Starscream?"

"Mute it, Skywarp."


End file.
